crzybeautiful

Last Day of Work in SF

It really does feel like the last day of school before my long awaited winter break, summer break, whatever you call it. 

I’ve been waiting for this day for so long. Today was my last day of work in SF and I’ll be working from the New York office for the next few days. After that, I’m on VACATION in NYC, will be chillaxing in SF and Union City for a few days before I start my new job.

I am SO excited and can’t wait for my new experience and company. In a way, it feels like I’m starting a new chapter in my life. Good things are coming…I just know it! I’m ready to conquer the world.

WANT: riri’s swimming suit

so cute.

Today…

Is one of the most important days of my life but I feel very alone. I wish I had more people around me to share my joys, nervousness and fears with. These are all feelings you feel on monumental days like your graduation day, prom, births, etc. I’ll remember this day for the rest of my life. The physical pain is tolerable but the process is very emotionally heavy. My brother is dropping me off and then picking up lunch with his friend. The bf isn’t coming until tomorrow. I’ll remember today for the rest of my life.

About Love - thanks p : )

“We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.”

Moments

We have to live every day like it’s our last. The problem with life and with people is that we forget about the little every day moments because we’re so busy chasing dreams that we think we want whether it be that coveted career or material things. 

Sometimes we realize that that dream we’ve chased for so long…may not feel as good as we hope it to be. You get to the finish line and you think it’s everything you’ve always wanted and worked for but then you think about all the moments with your friends and loved ones you gave up. You’re all alone distant from everyone and realize that Present you is someone Past you would happen to not like very much. Suddenly, that dream isn’t as great as you thought it would be.

We can work long hours, make a ton of money and realize we never got to travel or enjoy roaming the world like a nomad and exploring good eateries, laying out on the grass and soaking in the sunshine before it’s too late and we’re old with kids.

There’s nothing like the moment to feel, love, experience. 

These moments will pass you by when you’re not paying attention and you’ll be left with nothing but regret.

This is a little morbid but I if I was to be hit by a car next week, I’d hope that I would feel that I wasn’t leaving anything behind and that I lived every day beautifully and passionately.

Suddenly, I am filled with a desire for the sweet scent of summer — to frolic around in a sundress, blow bubbles and run my bare feet through soft blades of green grass and laugh out loud carelessly about everything and nothingness. God I miss being a kid.

Perfect Match

“Dear Tran,

This is what you have been waiting for ever since you registered as a potential marrow donor, the opportunity to help save a life.  You are now being considered as a donor for a specific person!

You had registered to be a potential marrow donor on April 24, 2007. To register, you gave us a blood/cheek swab sample and signed a consent form agreeing to be contacted should you be identified as a match for a patient in need.

 You have been identified as a potential marrow donor match for a female patient with lymphomaneeding a marrow or blood stem cell donation. This patient’s search is URGENT.”

*               *               *                *               *             *                  *       

Five years ago, I was coerced into doing a cheek swab by my Lambda pledge bro for his fraternity’s philanthropy bone marrow/cheek swab drive. I remember it was in Heller Lounge and I was almost finishing up my freshman year of college. Finals were rolling around and I did the cheek swab never thinking I’d be picked. The odds of a person matching up with a cancer patient are slim, I thought. 

Today, I got a call from the Asian American Donor Program.

I call them back and the answering machine tells me they’re closed on Chinese New Years. I press forward through to the extension provided on my voicemail. This must be pretty damn important if the woman’s working today.

A woman picks up and tells me I’ve been identified as a potential bone marrow donor for a mixed race girl. 

“You’re Chinese and Vietnamese, right?” she asks.

“Yes.”

“Your HLA type matches this girl. All antigens are closely matched. Of course, there’s an 8% chance, very slim, that you will be a perfect donor for this girl. No one in her family matches her and it’s extremely urgent” she says.

My heart starts beating like crazy and I’m freaking out “How many other matches are there?”

“Well, we can’t tell you because we don’t want to pressure the potential donors,” she says.

“Ok, well just please email me the information and I’ll look through everything. I’m at work,” I say.

To be perfectly honest, I never thought I would be a match for someone and this all frightens me very much. It scares me that there’s a dying girl with cancer out there who’s hoping, praying, praying for this transplant/stem cell donation. It makes me emotional, scared, it makes me feel all these different feelings. Of course, 8% is very slim indeed and chances are still against me fitting that perfect profile for this sick girl I do not know.

According to the informational guide they sent me, the law requires that this girl and I can’t be in contact for a minimum of a year if it all works out.

I can save a life. I can make an impact on someone’s life and be the reason someone lives. My blood, my cells could be flowing through someone’s body and giving them a second shot at life. I can be a 1 in a 7 million shot for her…

Tomorrow, I’m calling this lady back and proceeding forward to take tests to determine whether I am a perfect match. It’s scary but amazing at the same time and hands down the greatest, most selfless gift I can ever give to another human being. Just by being a perfect match. I can save someone’s life. Holy. Shit. I’m really fucking scared out of my mind.